Sunday 17 March 2013

Welcome!

Hi, if you're reading this then it's likely you've been searching the internet for information or guidance about possible narcissistic abuse..

I'm not a professional or medical expert, just a former victim who is currently watching helplessly whilst a close family member suffers in the same way as I did.

What is so excruciatingly painful in this is the knowledge that the longer an abusive relationship is allowed to go on for, the more likely it is that the victim will suffer lasting damage..

I decided to write this blog as a last resort. There are already many many stories across the internet from ex-victims or those still suffering in silence, in fact it was their stories that helped me to realise I was a victim and to finally break free! But my reasons are a little different..

After watching my own children be bullied throughout school, then college, then university even, and recalling my own childhood experiences that wee quite similar, I spent a lot of time researching as much as I could about bullies/abusers.
None of it really prepared me for the Narcissist who targeted me, nor the twisted thing that I thought was a relationship. These are in a category of their own..!

However there are some basic rules for dealing with bullies/abusers, and these especially apply to the narcissist -

1. They thrive on secrecy. They hate anyone knowing their true nature..The narcissist is 100% incapable of real love, or compassion, and they can never learn to love themselves. They spend their lives as actresses and actors, always playing a part, always ;living an immense lie. They need at ;east one victim at a time, and they will go to extraordinary lengths to ensure they are never exposed or found out to be the baddie..!
They work ceaselessly to alienate their victim from all friends and family who begin to notice that something is amiss. That is of course, except for any who are yet to see through their lies and facade, as they encourage friendships between their victims and anyone they feel confident they can control the opinions of..

2. They will NEVER change. I searched and searched for instances where this had happened whilst I was still in the abusive relationship. Was still clinging to hope, refusing to believe this truth. I was lucky though, shock tactics of the police, women's aid groups, and another similar organisation made this reality finally click with me. 
I have gone to them as I thought I was behaving badly toward my partner, believed there was something wrong with me, that I had somehow gone bad. If they hadn't considered me in immediate and life-threatening danger then I may not have been here to tell this tale..

So, when watching a loved one go through this, and knowing at the same time just how blinded they will be to their abusers mind-boggling and manipulative tactics, what can we do to help..?!

Firstly, STICK AROUND! 
I cannot express this enough. No matter what, if you walk away after the arguments or fall-outs created by the narcissistic abuser, you will be giving them exactly what they wanted, the freedom to maliciously abuse your loved one without fear of their victim having any support.. 
If you still tell your loved one that you love them, completely ignore the narcissist, and maintain positive contact, you will at least help to reinforce what little self-confidence or self-esteem they have left. And in time when they finally see the light, they will know that they won't be alone in making their escape...!

(I imagine that may sound pretty lame as you're reading it, either thinking that there MUST be something else you can do, or if you're a victim then screaming inside as you realise the nasty sod's already robbed you of the very family and friends you need right now..!?)

NB: If you're a victim right now, take a fresh approach.. 
You cannot alter what people think of you now, if the narcissist has twisted their minds about you, then simply accept that, just for now.. 
Put on an act, LEARN TO PLAY THEM AT THEIR OWN GAME! 
Contact family and friends, go to meetings with them and parties, days out etc, even though you won't want to, or won't want the hassle of dealing with the aftermath if you do.
Whatever you do, regain those contacts, tell friends and family you need them in your life right now, it may seem like entering a war-zone  but it WILL help strengthen you, because it will weaken your narcissists hold..

So, back to where I was, and the reason for my blog here..
We have tried keeping quiet to "keep the peace", and out of fear we will lose contact with our loved one, but it's finally time to accept reality.. That in doing just that we have enabled this narcissist to have free-reign over him, and through her actions to subject family members to her abusive ways. 

An example would be where his brother had words with him over concerns for his welfare, and his mother had words with the narcissist about the same. That was followed by the victim being unavailable to his family, so the brother and mother quickly learned to "keep quiet", to join their brother/son in his submissiveness. Their fear of losing him, and also of how he might suffer without their contact, caused them to do the very thing that the narcissist wanted.
So, thereafter, in the presence of the victims brother, the narcissist began to put her victim down, make him justify spending and account for every penny of his own money, speak to him like she loathes him... 
So now his brother was suffering direct abuse by the narcissist, and feeling powerless to help either his brother or the awful situation they were both in..

So this is the best solution I could think of to break this cycle of secrecy and enabling..
To let this narcissist know that they are in for a fight, and that our family will fight for their loved one, the man she has used and abused for far too long, and a man who will NOT remain her victim forever.! 
You'd be right in thinking that we can't alter his mind, nor make his decisions for him, but we CAN refuse to become victims ourselves and refuse to tolerate the narcissists behavior. 
You'd also be very right in thinking that "going public" will simply drive a wedge between our loved one and ourselves, that is a sad fact we cannot alter.
But the rift has already become so wide, and the effects of the narcissist on our whole family are already so damaging that as I have said, this is a last resort.

I have considered doing this for some time, and put it off and put it off so many times, so I've had time to think of how I wanted to approach it. I chose not to just tell our story, naming names and general bitching, as that would be a waste of time and blog space..!

I'll hopefully be able to tell of my own experiences  and the history of this current abusive relationship in our family, in a way that it may help someone somewhere at some time. 

Much of the info online refers to "him" being the abuser, and of help there is for "her" if "she" is being abused. This only makes it harder for a man to identify with the info when he sees it, and to have him realise that he is in fact being abused, HE is in fact a victim..

That's all for now, but thank you for reading, stay safe and happy at all times!

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